Parinte relaxat sau grijuliu?
Duminica, asa cum va povesteam intr-o postare anterioara, am participat la picnicul organizat de Metropolitan Life la Roaba de Cultura. A fost un nou prilej de a-l urmari pe Vlad din umbra, alaturi de alti copii de varste diferite, dar si un prilej de a ma autoanaliza in raport cu ceilalti parinti prezinti. Cred ca majoritatea ne autonumim parinti responsabili si “relaxati”. Dar oare cum sunt eu de fapt?
EN: As I have mentioned in a previous post, on Sunday I was at the picnic organized by Metropolitan Life at Roaba de Cultura. It was another opportunity for me to watch Vlad, as he played with kids of different ages, but also to analyze myself in comparison to other parents who were present. I think most of us call ourselves responsible and “relaxed” parents. But what am I really like?
Nu vei sti niciodata ce parinte vei fi pana cand nu iti vei tine copilul in brate. Degeaba iti faci planuri de dinainte cu tine reactionand perfect in momente de criza, caci in realitate s-ar putea ca emotiile sa fie efectiv prea mari pentru tine si, desi cu “teoria” perfect invatata, sa nu poti face fata la modul “practic” situatiei.
Alte mame care ma cunosc mai bine zic ca eu as fi relaxata. Iau in calcul trei situatii:
- Vlad cand era mic avea reflux. Adica nu exista sa nu regurgiteze dupa fiecare masa. Mai tot timpul eu si Radu aveam bluzele putin patate pe umarul stang. Era semnul nostru ca Vlad a luat masa. Dar pentru ca lua in greutate in grafic, nu am considerat asta o mare problema. Am continuat cu alaptarea pana la 6 luni, iar cand am inceput diversificarea, problema a disparut usor-usor. In schimb, imi aduc aminte destul de bine un moment in care Vlad a regurgitat si s-a inecat putin, cum o mai facuse de multe ori pana atunci, cand la mine in vizita erau Adela si Laura. Eu m-am ridicat, l-am batut calma putin pe spate si am continuat discutia de unde ramasesem… doar ca nu mai aveam cu cine sa vorbesc. Amandoua erau albe ca varul, una tinea mainile la ochi, alta imi spunea ca e pe punctul sa lesine, marturisindu-mi ca nu ar putea face fata ca mame unei astfel de situatii. Eu, sincer, nici nu as fi retinut momentul, daca reactia lor nu m-ar fi impresionat. Adevarul e ca multe femei odata ajunse mame vor putea face cu calm exact ce e nevoie in situatii de urgenta, chiar daca inainte se declara tematoare, la fel ca prietenele mai sus pomenite. Dar de atunci, eu am ramas in mintea lor (bine, probabil si datorita altor momente) drept un reper de “mama relaxata”. O mama “care nu isi verifica noaptea bebelusul daca mai respira sau nu”, completeaza acum Adela.
- Mersul de-a busilea e iarasi o etapa in care trebuie sa iei o decizie legata de cat de toleranta vei fi cu ideea de a-l lasa sa mearga peste tot cu mainile sau nu. Cand il lasam pe Vlad sa mearga prin aeroport de-a busilea, sunt convinsa ca pentru multe mame din jur depaseam limita. Poate ca pentru ele nu mai eram “relaxata”, ci “usor inconstienta”, habar nu am. Dar pentru mine era mai importanta bucuria micutului de a-si exersa noua abilitate, decat teama ca se va imbolnavi de nu stiu ce microbi, cu care consideram ca oricum ar putea sa intre in contact – fie daca il lasam sa mearga sau nu de-a busilea – caci manutele lor la varsta respectiva ating tot si se grabesc apoi sa intre in gurita, toate intr-un ritm fantastic. Aveam mereu la mine servetele umede, dezinfectante, cu care il curatam constant, incercand sa intervin cat de repede in caz de nevoie. Dar nu insemna ca dezinfectam inainte orice obiect atingea, chiar daca eram intr-un mediu cu totul nou, precum un aeroport.
- Febra mare. E o situatie prin care toate mamele trec. Tin minte perfect momentul cand Vlad s-a imbolnavit foarte tare si a facut febra peste 40, cand mama era la mine si incepuse sa tremure mai tare decat copilul, iar Radu era plecat de acasa. Am fost extrem de calma si ma felicit si acum pentru acel moment. L-am sunat pe Radu, i-am explicat cu calm ca trebuie sa se grabeasca sa vina acasa, pentru a-l duce pe Vlad la doctor. Am pregatit impachetarile, am anticipat etapele, am fost langa el tot timpul si nu mi-am pierdut stapanirea. Dar dupa ce a trecut toata perioada, despre care poate va voi vorbi intr-o zi mai in detaliu, eram o leguma. Consumul a fost atat de mare, incat dupa ce el era din nou in stare maxima, eu simteam ca am nevoie sa ma internez undeva…urgent.
Ei bine, Vlad a crescut, iar momentele in care trebuie sa iei decizia de a-l lasa sau a interveni sunt parca si mai dese. La fel si la acest picnic. Cred ca a urcat si a coborat scara de la scena de o suta de ori. A alergat continuu si a reusit sa dea si cap in cap cu o fetita – vina lui. S-a descaltat si a mers asa pe iarba, printre copaci si pe scena, pana cand a lansat o moda acolo si mai multi copii au cerut la randul lor sa ramana desculti. Nu spun ca nu aveam in minte si gandurile: “Of, daca o sa cada?” sau “Daca ii intra o aschie in picior?”, dar am zis doar sa raman prin preajma si sa intervin in caz de nevoie. Am stat tot timpul eu ori Radu lipiti de scara, cat el era pe scena. Am incercat sa ii tinem pasul si sa alergam dupa el printre paturi de fiecare data cand avea chef sa mai dea o tura. Si totusi, a mancat din niste biscuiti gasiti pe o roaba, inainte sa apuc sa ajung la el. A si cersit o clatita de la o doamna de langa noi si a scormonit cu degetul dupa visine, mancadu-le doar pe acelea. Dar ce pot sa garantez este ca s-a simtit bine, ca a explorat zona, ca a socializat cu ceilalti copii si parinti, ca nu s-a imbolnavit, ca a ras, dar si ca a plans cand a trebuit sa plecam.
Sunt multe situatii neprevazute cu care ne vom confrunta ca parinti. Sunt situatii grave cu care poate ca unii dintre noi vom fi nevoiti sa luptam intr-o zi. Nu cred ca trebuie sa ignoram existenta unor astfel de momente, pentru a le putea evita in masura in care se pot evita. Stii ca exista moarte subita a sugarului, asa ca nu il lasi sa doarma cu perna si asternuturi de copii mari, de exemplu. Stii ca exista riscul sindromului alcoolismului fetal, asa ca nu consumi alcool pe perioada sarcinii.
Iar acum incep sa ma gandesc si la mine. Daca se va intampla ceva cu mine, “mama relaxata” la un moment dat? Chiar am de gand sa-i pun lui Vlad niste bani deoparte inca de pe acum. E prima zi cand am citit mai serios ce e cu asigurarile de viata, medicale (Dr. Kid) sau de studiu, si i-am zis lui Radu ca ar fi cazul sa luam o hotarare. Sigur, cel mai probabil, o sa imbatranim langa el, sanatosi si fericiti. Dar fac ce fac si ma gandesc la tata. Habar nu avea ce va urma cu o luna inainte, cand si-a facut ultimul set de analize “de control” si nu avea nici un semn de boala. Ce am aflat abia dupa moartea lui era ca in urma cu cativa ani isi facuse un credit pentru nevoi personale, pe durata scurta, la care platea si asigurare in caz de deces. Am ramas uimita. De ce sa te gandesti la asta cand nu ai nici 60 de ani impliniti?! Uite ca ne-a mai dat o lectie de viata, asa, intr-un mod indirect.
Revenind la intrebarea acestei postari: cat de relaxati sau grijulii credeti ca sunteti ca parinti? Sunteti mereu in control sau il lasati pe copil mai liber decat ar vrea bunicii, de exemplu? Puteti analiza cu atentie in fotografiile de mai jos toate “incidentele” de la picnic pomenite in postare…
LaEu si Radu plecam maine catre Belgia, iar Vlad va ramane cu mama. E groaznic sentimentul, dar fiind vorba de o iesire foarte scurta, legata strict de Moon by Dana Rogoz Brussels, am zis ca nu are sens sa il mai luam cu noi. Stiu parinti care in astfel de situatii, cand calatoresc in scop profesional, zboara cu avioane diferite. Tocmai pentru ca, in cazul unui accident, copilul sa nu ramana singur. Voi cat de relaxati sunteti chiar si cu aceasta idee?
P.S.: Noi maine zburam cu acelasi avion.
You’ll never know what kind of parent you will be until you hold your child. It is useless to make plans ahead about how you will react perfectly in moments of crisis, because in reality you might be overwhelmed by the emotions and, although you have learned the “theory” perfectly, “practically” you won’t be able to handle the situation.
Other mothers who know me better say I am relaxed. I take into account 3 situations:
- When Vlad was little he suffered from reflux. Meaning he would regurgitate after every meal. Radu and I were always stained on our left shoulder. It was our sign that Vlad had something to eat. But since he gained weight as he should, we didn’t consider it to be a big problem. I kept breastfeeding until he was 6 months old, and when we started weaning, the problem slowly disappeared. But I remember quite well one particular moment when Vlad also chocked a bit, like he had done many times before, while Adela and Laura were visiting. I got up, calmly tapped him on the back and continued my conversation…only I had no one to talk to. They both turned pale, one was covering her eyes, the other one was saying she is about to faint, confessing that they couldn’t handle such a situation, as a mother. Honestly, I wouldn’t have remembered the moment, if it weren’t for their reactions. The truth is that many women, once they become mothers, can do exactly what they need to in crisis situations, even if they were scared before, just like my friends. But since then, I am remembered (probably due to other situations as well) as a “relaxed mother”. A mother “who doesn’t check her baby at night to see if he or she is breathing”, Adela now claims.
- Crawling is also a stage where you have to decide how tolerant you will be about letting him crawl everywhere or not. When I use to let Vlad crawl through the airport, I am sure I was overstepping the line for some moms. Maybe to them I wasn’t so much “relaxed” as “slightly oblivious”, I have no idea. But to me his joy of practicing his new skill was much more important than the fear that he might get some germs, which he could get anyway- whether he was crawling or not- because their little hands touch everything and then rush into their mouths, at a fantastic speed. I always had wet disinfecting wipes with me, which I would always use for cleaning, trying to step in whenever necessary. But that doesn’t mean I would disinfect everything he came in contact with, even if we were in an entirely new environment, such as an airport.
- High fever. It’s a situation every mother goes through. I remember perfectly when Vlad got very sick and had 40 degrees fever, when my mum was at our place and began shivering harder than the baby, and Radu wasn’t home. I was extremely calm and I congratulate myself for that. I called Radu, I calmly explained that he has to rush home, to take Vlad to the doctor. I prepared the wrap ups, I anticipated the steps, I was with him the whole time and I didn’t lose my temper. But after everything was over, which I might talk about one day in detail, I was like a vegetable. The burn out was so big, that after he was doing great again, I felt the need of admitting myself somewhere…urgently.
Well, Vlad has grown, and the moments in which you have to decide whether you should step in or not are more. It was the same at this picnic. I think he must have climbed the stage up and down about a hundred times. He ran the whole time and he managed to bump heads with a little girl- his fault. He took his shoes off and walked in the grass, along the trees and on stage, until he set a trend there and more kids asked to be barefoot too. I’m not saying I wasn’t thinking: “What if he’ll fall?” or “What if a splinter gets into his foot?”, but I thought that I would just be around and step in only if necessary. Me or Radu were always near the stairs when he was on stage. We tried keeping up and running after him between the blankets every time he felt like it. And still, he ate some biscuits he found on a handcart, before I got to him. He begged for a pancake from a lady next to us and he groveled with his finger for the sour cherries, eating only those. But what I can guarantee is he had a good time, he explored the area, he socialized with other kids and parents, he didn’t get sick, he laughed, but he also cried when we had to leave.
There are many unpredictable situations which we must face as parents. There are serious situations which some of us might have to fight against one day. I don’t think we have to ignore the existence of such moments, to avoid them as much as possible. You know there is such a thing a sudden infant death syndrome, so you don’t let him sleep with pillows and sheets for older kids, for example. You know there is the risk of fetal alcoholism syndrome, so you don’t drink alcohol during pregnancy.
And now I begin thinking about myself too. What if something happens to me, the “relaxed mum”, at some point? I am seriously thinking about some money away for Vlad. It’s the first day that I have read more carefully about life insurances, medical insurances (Dr. Kid) or education insurances, and I told Radu we should make a decision. Of course, most probably we will grow old with him, healthy and happy. But I can’t help thinking about my father. One month before he had no idea what was going to happen, when he took his last check up and had no sign of the illness. I only found out after his passing away that a few years ago he took a personal needs loan, on short term, for which he also payed insurance in case of death. I was stunned. Why should you think about that when you are not even 60 years old?! He gave us another life lesson, an indirect one.
Coming back to the question of this post: how relaxed or careful do you think you are as parents? Are you always in control or do you let your child more free than the grandparents approve, for instance? You can analyze attentively all the “incidents” I have mentioned from the picnic, in the pictures above…
Radu and I are leaving for Belgium tomorrow, and Vlad will stay with my mum. The feeling is awful, but since it’s a short trip, strictly related to Moon by Dana Rogoz Brussels, we thought it doesn’t make any sense to take him along. I know parents, who, when travelling for professional purposes, take different planes. So that, in case of an accident, the child isn’t left alone. How relaxed are you about this idea?
P.S.: Tomorrow we are flying in the same plane.
At the picnic I wore: Potocaliu dress, Bensimon sneakers, Zara hat. Vlad wore: Mas jumpsuit, TeX t-shirt and hat, Zara shoes.